Married Women Gone Wild!

So, I don’t typically listen to the Michael Baisden radio show (I swear!). But on a hot summer day a week ago, I was in the car for an extended period of time and I happened to come across the most hysterical topic being discussed on the show. Michael and his co-host discussed a recent article that was shared on the Huffington Post. I’ve searched all over but can’t find this article – hopefully I’ll locate it soon. So take these “facts” with a grain of salt.

The research :

• Married, educated women are more likely to cheat (because she has more options. Alright!)

• Women who smoke are more likely to cheat – 70% of women who smoke have had four times as many lovers

• Women who read romance novels are twice as likely to cheat

Now I have recently heard of a website called Ashley Madison that takes advantage of these fun facts. I was stunned when I found out that this company, which exclusively focuses on married women who cheat, is a moneymaking machine. In fact, over 30,000 moms signed up to the site the day after Mother’s Day (I guess they didn’t like their gifts). The company has such serious earning power that last month they lobbied to secure naming rights at Giants Stadium!

Do you think this situation is common place? Please share your thoughts about your “friends” who may have thought of stepping out or may have already done so. No judgment of course… just interested in women who are getting their swirl on and why they might choose to do so.

Neighborhood Watch: Jersey City Waterfront

I had the best time with the family bike riding along the Newport waterfront. The hubby and I stopped over at the Grove Street Bicycle shop in the morning so I could rent a bike. It’s a little steep at nearly $35 for the day, but boy how bikes have improved over the last two decades! I seriously think it’s been about that long since I’ve mounted a bike. In the afternoon, my son, husband and I began our afternoon jaunt along the waterfront – drifting through Paulus Hook, stopping by the post office, passing historical landmarks and even a few tourists. It felt like a vacation day right in my own backyard. But the most meaningful part of the ride was realizing that we could actually settle here. Until now, I’ve consistently been looking for “my next move,” always believing that there’s a more befitting neighborhood or place that I should put down roots. But with the access to NYC, the industrial feel of the neighborhood, a picturesque waterfront, and open and welcoming neighbors…it’s looking more like a possibility.

Here are a few shots of the Jersey City Newport and Paulus Hook neighborhoods that I took while I tested out a Hybrid Globe Caramel Bike (possibly my next true love):

Neighborhood Watch: Petworth, DC

What is this obsession with houses and neighborhoods?! I’m not quite sure when it all began, but it’s guttural and pervasive, that I know for sure. And I just love it – love all of this talk of settling down, while still wanting to be our young, swirling 30’s selves. My bestie and her beau have been feverishly looking for a place in the DC area for about three or four months and I find myself so excited and involved in their search. Bloomingdale is ideal – the perfect distance from work and the swanky handgout areas of Adams Morgan and Dupont Circle. It’s the perfect blend of young, professional urban life, with equal parts diversity and dog-loving neighbors. But of course, all of the homes get bids within minutes of going on the market, many times for well over the asking price. How on earth are normal people able to secure their first home in a market this expensive without having to rob a bank or file for bankruptcy the next year?!

So the search had to be broadened. Featured here is the new choice neighborhood:

Petworth, D.C.

North of Columbia Heights and close to Mount Pleasant and Rock Creek Park, the Petworth area has become one of the latest areas to top the District’s real estate search lists. Residents can easily access DC and northern VA for work or play with a short drive or ride on the Metro’s green or yellow lines. Row homes or townhomes are typical for the area and are reasonably priced, with the average sale around $300K - $400K. In fact, Petworth has become the go to neighborhood for couples and individuals priced out of the Mount Pleasant area. While the services, restaurants, and nightlife options are still in growing, the recent gentrification promises to bring new businesses that appeal to residents new and old.

Marriage Self-Help 101

So, I was reading this month’s Oprah Magazine and came upon an article that touched on some things that I clearly need to work on in my marriage. As I look back on this last year (July 4th is officially one year), I am so glad to have worked through some of my “issues.” But wow! – I definitely have some work to do. And any of my people know that I am constantly lamenting about the advice that I wish our elders (and I use that term very loosely) would share with us about the ins and outs of maintaining semi-healthy relationships. There’s just simply no handbook and there’s no huge warning sign about the massive amounts of compromise required in order to co-habitate with a partner.

The article by Tara Parker-Pope identifies five key areas to monitor during the course of your relationship before the wheels go off track without you being aware – 1) “The Way You Were; 2) Fight or Flight; 3) A Show of Contempt; 4) The Balance of Power; 5) Staying in Sync.

So the first concept is really talking about how you re-tell stories about yourselves. Is there a sense of togetherness, or do you do like me – “Yep, HE made us late…I’m really sorry.” As I said to friends we were meeting the other day. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t always throw him under the bus, but I’m pretty sure I do it too often. So add that to my list of things I need to improve upon.

The second topic actually made me smile. Apparently, research has shown that couples who don’t fight in the beginning of their marriages report being happier at the beginning, but after three years, that same non-fighting behavior can be detrimental to relationships. Whew…we’re in the clear then. As is clear when I speak with my newlywed and not so newlywed friends about relationships, arguing is simply a common way of life in our relationships. It truly does feel like we’re working the kinks out – figuring out a style that is most comfortable for us to resolve problems. But boy can it be exhausting at times, and it also can put that seed of doubt in your head that makes you question whether other couple are also experiencing the small arguments (like my unwanted commentary on how to drive and the best route to take, or his not seeing the dishes in the sink). Luckily, the good times with my husband far out way the bad, but we often disagree about things several times a week I would say. However, we can diffuse arguments a heck of a lot better than we could even six months ago…and that is no small fete my friends.

Okay, so this next concept was a bit of a wake-up call. The author discusses eye-rolling and states that it is a sign of contempt when deployed with your partner. I must admit that I am guilty as charged. In addition to eye-rolling, I have also been known to use the word, “ridiculous.” This word has been banned by my husband and I believe that it’s for the same reason that eye-rolling should no longer be used. Both of these things indicate a sign of contempt. Contempt is really an ugly word, and when you think about it, it’s probably not the exact meaning you’re trying to get across. When I’ve used it in the past, it was more of a “seriously…are we really going down this path again?” voiceover in my head kind of comment. Is that really contempt? Maybe. In any case, I’m committed to monitoring any hint of an eye roll in my discussions or arguments with my husband. I don’t want him treating me like this or feeling as though I don’t value his opinion or feelings. And that is apparently what the research has shown. So again, I will add this to my list of things to watch and improve upon.

The Balance of Power idea is a little more complicated on my end, but is still critical. With my household being one of a blended family, this becomes more challenging because the balance of power is inherently off-centered. The article explains that a couple must really divide their time among activities that both people in the couple want to do. And if you find that the Balance of Power is teetering in one direction more dramatically than the relationship may have an issue. I can certainly see this idea reflected in my own relationship. Much of our time is dictated by my stepson’s activities – namely school and sports. However, I am kind of a Susie-homemaker or at least a wannabe, so it’s really not as much of an issue as you may imagine. When that imbalance does begin to bubble up on my end it can typically be resolved by insisting that we include more activities that I would like. For example, having a girls weekend, dinner or a long and mindless conversation with a friend, or enjoying an unplanned day with the hubby. Just those simple activities can make me feel as though equilibrium has returned. When my husband feels imbalanced he’ll very clearly let it be known that he wants us to schedule time to spend with each other doing what he would like to do – watching a movie with me, hitting up the driving range or golf course with his buddies, or being couch potatoes with me for the day. So, with this concept I feel that we do a pretty good job of identifying when we’re out of balance, but we don’t do a good job at maintaining our balance. Yet another point to add to the list.

I imagine that staying in sync becomes harder as you mature in your relationship or marriage. This idea doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue in my own relationship at this time, but I’m not naïve enough to believe we’re out of the woods on this one. Being newlyweds, we’re hyper aware of each other’s feelings and pleasing one another, and I just hope that mutual investment in the relationship continues. We’re vigilant about doing things together no matter what the perception is – and it just happens to work for us, at least right now. We talk to each other throughout the day, have one car, try and plan our days to maximize our time together, and often coordinate our time away from each other. If I’ve got dinner with a friend on Wednesday, he’ll make plans for the same night. That way we’re not spending two nights away from each other. Corny yes, but it helps us to remain in sync. And we also realize that this may not always be the case as our status with work and kids changes.

So, I’m curious…how does this article play into your marriages or relationships? Do share… no judgement of course;)

Day One

The inspiration for this blog was two-fold. First, I’ve been affected by a constant feeling that I’m in transition. Sure, I recently got married, have a stepson, and moved to a different part of town. But there’s a different sort of transition I’ve been experiencing. I feel movement in my faith – movement in my purpose. So when the pastor on my morning radio program, A.R. Bernard, gave a sermon over the last two days about the four seasons and the ebb and flow of life, I knew there was some specific action that was to come out of that message. Pastor Bernard likened transition with the fall season – fall feels restless and comes after a period of great productivity (ahem…I think the recent activities in my life qualify as productivity) -- and so I truly think I’m in fall.

Not only that – because often things happen in clusters, many of my loved ones – my husband, girlfriends, and acquaintances – have had some of the same unrest and our conversations reflect this. So, in an attempt to work through some of these feelings and do what I do best – connect with others, here is the new blog, “Living On the Cusp.”