So, I was reading this month’s Oprah Magazine and came upon an article that touched on some things that I clearly need to work on in my marriage. As I look back on this last year (July 4th is officially one year), I am so glad to have worked through some of my “issues.” But wow! – I definitely have some work to do. And any of my people know that I am constantly lamenting about the advice that I wish our elders (and I use that term very loosely) would share with us about the ins and outs of maintaining semi-healthy relationships. There’s just simply no handbook and there’s no huge warning sign about the massive amounts of compromise required in order to co-habitate with a partner.
The article by Tara Parker-Pope identifies five key areas to monitor during the course of your relationship before the wheels go off track without you being aware – 1) “The Way You Were; 2) Fight or Flight; 3) A Show of Contempt; 4) The Balance of Power; 5) Staying in Sync.
So the first concept is really talking about how you re-tell stories about yourselves. Is there a sense of togetherness, or do you do like me – “Yep, HE made us late…I’m really sorry.” As I said to friends we were meeting the other day. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t always throw him under the bus, but I’m pretty sure I do it too often. So add that to my list of things I need to improve upon.
The second topic actually made me smile. Apparently, research has shown that couples who don’t fight in the beginning of their marriages report being happier at the beginning, but after three years, that same non-fighting behavior can be detrimental to relationships. Whew…we’re in the clear then. As is clear when I speak with my newlywed and not so newlywed friends about relationships, arguing is simply a common way of life in our relationships. It truly does feel like we’re working the kinks out – figuring out a style that is most comfortable for us to resolve problems. But boy can it be exhausting at times, and it also can put that seed of doubt in your head that makes you question whether other couple are also experiencing the small arguments (like my unwanted commentary on how to drive and the best route to take, or his not seeing the dishes in the sink). Luckily, the good times with my husband far out way the bad, but we often disagree about things several times a week I would say. However, we can diffuse arguments a heck of a lot better than we could even six months ago…and that is no small fete my friends.
Okay, so this next concept was a bit of a wake-up call. The author discusses eye-rolling and states that it is a sign of contempt when deployed with your partner. I must admit that I am guilty as charged. In addition to eye-rolling, I have also been known to use the word, “ridiculous.” This word has been banned by my husband and I believe that it’s for the same reason that eye-rolling should no longer be used. Both of these things indicate a sign of contempt. Contempt is really an ugly word, and when you think about it, it’s probably not the exact meaning you’re trying to get across. When I’ve used it in the past, it was more of a “seriously…are we really going down this path again?” voiceover in my head kind of comment. Is that really contempt? Maybe. In any case, I’m committed to monitoring any hint of an eye roll in my discussions or arguments with my husband. I don’t want him treating me like this or feeling as though I don’t value his opinion or feelings. And that is apparently what the research has shown. So again, I will add this to my list of things to watch and improve upon.
The Balance of Power idea is a little more complicated on my end, but is still critical. With my household being one of a blended family, this becomes more challenging because the balance of power is inherently off-centered. The article explains that a couple must really divide their time among activities that both people in the couple want to do. And if you find that the Balance of Power is teetering in one direction more dramatically than the relationship may have an issue. I can certainly see this idea reflected in my own relationship. Much of our time is dictated by my stepson’s activities – namely school and sports. However, I am kind of a Susie-homemaker or at least a wannabe, so it’s really not as much of an issue as you may imagine. When that imbalance does begin to bubble up on my end it can typically be resolved by insisting that we include more activities that I would like. For example, having a girls weekend, dinner or a long and mindless conversation with a friend, or enjoying an unplanned day with the hubby. Just those simple activities can make me feel as though equilibrium has returned. When my husband feels imbalanced he’ll very clearly let it be known that he wants us to schedule time to spend with each other doing what he would like to do – watching a movie with me, hitting up the driving range or golf course with his buddies, or being couch potatoes with me for the day. So, with this concept I feel that we do a pretty good job of identifying when we’re out of balance, but we don’t do a good job at maintaining our balance. Yet another point to add to the list.
I imagine that staying in sync becomes harder as you mature in your relationship or marriage. This idea doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue in my own relationship at this time, but I’m not naïve enough to believe we’re out of the woods on this one. Being newlyweds, we’re hyper aware of each other’s feelings and pleasing one another, and I just hope that mutual investment in the relationship continues. We’re vigilant about doing things together no matter what the perception is – and it just happens to work for us, at least right now. We talk to each other throughout the day, have one car, try and plan our days to maximize our time together, and often coordinate our time away from each other. If I’ve got dinner with a friend on Wednesday, he’ll make plans for the same night. That way we’re not spending two nights away from each other. Corny yes, but it helps us to remain in sync. And we also realize that this may not always be the case as our status with work and kids changes.
So, I’m curious…how does this article play into your marriages or relationships? Do share… no judgement of course;)
